His life enabled me to walk with elated joy, then his death left me to walk broken and in pain. The only thing that remained was the same was the love I had for my son. It grew from October 17th, 2001 the day I found out I was pregnant, it burst June 27th, 2002 when I first held him in my arms, then multiplied October 17th, 2017 the day I heard he had been stabbed, and overflowed October 20th, 2017 the day I held him In my arms as he died.Read More
I left in January 2013 and at the time, the thought of Christmas and all the logistical stuff that would now come with it as a Single Mother never crossed my mind. I had more important things to consider than Christmas, the small matter of finding us a home and filling it with everything we needed from teaspoons & toilet roll to beds and a fridge.
I make the sacrifices.
I recall one incident in particular when I was around 8 years old. I had been struggling with maths at school, so my teacher had given me some extra maths homework. That particular day my mother and I had some kind of argument about it. I don’t remember what was said. But I sat down to eat dinner and I remember her starting to shove meat (cold sandwich meat) into my mouth and down my throat causing me to gag and choke. I can’t remember when or how it stopped. But I will never forget that. My childhood best friend was also abused by my mother, she remembers her stabbing my hand with a fork.Read More
The weight gain is hard. I don’t know what I should or shouldn’t weigh but it doesn’t stop me weighing and criticising myself anyway. From about 6 weeks in I have repeatedly asked my husband whether I look pregnant or not, to the point where he refused to answer for fear of getting it wrong. I cried at my 16-week appointment because I felt like I looked so fat. My midwife was fantastically supportive.Read More
So when he passed, as you might imagine, it hit that little bit harder. Carrying my daughter made the experience all the more surreal. For a moment I wondered if he had to lose his life for my daughter to have hers and then I thought about my mum and couldn’t begin to comprehend the pain she must have been feeling but I knew it could have killed her if she let it.Read More
It had not crossed my mind to watch the royal wedding. The royal family reminds me of the empire, of colonialism, of oppression, of the fact that people in my country still think that British culture is better than our own. Just seeing the royal family can make me furious.
And all that ostentatious wealth just makes it worse.
One of my strongest griefs is the unfairness of our societies. I believe that there is enough to go around. That everyone could be fed, and housed, and educated, and as healthy as is possible given medical science. It’s just that there is not enough for everyone to have excess.Read More
Anyone who’s had an Eating Disorder knows that ultimately it’s never about weight or how you look, although you think so at the time. It runs much deeper than that. So from 17 onwards whenever times got hard, or I got stressed, I would binge on food and throw it up. I would get lost in the cycle. Sometimes I would be in control of it, sometimes it would be in control of me.Read More
At 20 weeks pregnant you don’t expect to have to go into labour. From start to finish. Losing your mucus plug, contractions and giving birth. Not to mention the bleeding and everything else that comes afterward.Read More
Arthur was diagnosed with autism at age 3, a year after his little sister was born. From the age of around 18 months, I was less and less able to identify with others experience of motherhood. From the slowing down of development, the lack of speech and the extreme meltdowns, it was becoming clearer that what was happening in my house, wasn’t happening in others.Read More